You’re so vain. I bet you think this horoscope’s about you, don’t you, don’t you. No wait, you don’t. Well you did but not anymore because you can’t concentrate on anything for longer than two seconds. You’re fickle, suffer from delusions of grandeur and are prone to making claims such as “I was really into William Onyeabor before he became a thing”.
But let’s get to your horoscope while I have your attention.
Summer’s coming up and you’re going to make lots of plans because Geminis love making plans. You’ll get a Groupon for a yogalites course. You’ll buy a juicer. You’ll take up Portuguese. You’ll open a savings account. You’ll start making those plans to run a club night in town because you like deadly music; you know how to create really good vibes and you’ve been to Berghain like four times and never got rejected.
You’ll talk and tweet about your plans to anyone and everyone.
You’ll stick to none of them.
The thing is you have the best intentions and you usually have some really great ideas (apart from that club night idea) but you Gemini, are an absolute flake. You’re the worst kind of flake too. Like those misleading, powdery, non-Cadbury’s flakes you get in a 99.
It’s not your fault though. Blame your parents. You were born in late May/early June so that means your parents created you in late August/early September. It was probably on the back of a two-week package holiday in the Costa del Sol. Just think about that for a second and how that affects you (but don’t think about it too much because you know . . . your parents and all that eh . . . banging, sexing, getting down, doing the dirty). You were created under giddy, sun-stroked and carefree circumstances. That’s why you are the way you are.
So don’t go out in the sun. Continue to ignore calls from numbers you don’t recognise. Quit asparagus. Clean out those crumbs from your work laptop keyboard. Be nice and for the love of God, stop thinking about your parents having sex.
Words: Sasha Brady
Image: Olga Anacka
Zodiac is a project with twelve different writers published over twelve weeks.
Olga is embarking of a project to illustrate idioms or phrases.
She wants to hear idioms and phrases from native English speakers and then to respond with art.