Lame Dates: The 7D Cinema

April 22, 2015 – Culture

One date, Seven Ds. Or: A spider tried to eat my head

I’m standing outside Capel Street’s illustrious 7D cinema and growing increasingly worried about the fact that my date is now 7 minutes late. As I stand there, awkwardly adjusting my tights and trying to look brazenly into the faces of passers-by who seem, to me, to be throwing expressions of serious pity my way, I begin to wonder… What does one do in the event of getting stood up in such a situation?

Does one just go on in anyway, hopelessly drawn towards the primary-coloured led lights and promise of a full 4 more dimensions than exist in the universe which we currently inhabit? Or does one, acknowledging that being stood up for the 7D cinema probably marks the nadir of anyone’s dating career, nay, life, hurl oneself in front of a moving vehicle? Luckily for all involved, this wasn’t a question I ended up having to answer. My date arrived a few minutes later, apologised profusely, and in we went.

Walking past the row of cream leather couches, (which are presumably meant to hold the bustling throngs of revellers excitedly waiting to enjoy the 7D experience but which, today, at least, are empty) I felt slightly apprehensive. Not about the actual date, mind, but about how we would possibly be able to pick just one film to see.

Not wanting to make a wrong choice and potentially ruin what had been heretofore a thoroughly mediocre date anyway, I sought the council of the nice eastern European girl behind the counter. We wanted something scary, and were told that the spookiest of all possible rides didn’t have 3d effects (duh! I thought, because we’re in a seven D cinema) so if it was our first time we’d be better off opting for a more interactive option called The Haunted Forest.

We are led inside a small, dark room with a large structure in the middle which vaguely resembles a carriage of a rollercoaster. We leave our bags, inhibitions and outdated notions of a mere 3 dimensions at the wall and hop into the carriage, one person sitting on either side, as instructed.

How to describe The Haunted Forest? It’s certainly a challenge. But then, I suppose this is the magic of the 7D cinema. You cannot simply read about it and get a feeling for what it entails; you really have to experience it, all 7 dimensions, for yourself.

I will detail a few standout moments however: Getting chased by a spooky spectre that eventually stabs a pitchfork in our faces, eliciting an aggressive hiss of cold water in our faces. Trundling through a tunnel hot on the tail of a bounding jack-o-lantern which eventually turns towards us, cackles and unleashes an aggressive hiss of water in our faces, and last but not least, witnessing the spectacle of the spectre trying to have sex with the pumpkins mouth, before the pumpkin eventually devours the spectre. Confusing? Somewhat. Arousing? Definitely.

And there are bubbles. So many bubbles! Being completely honest, I didn’t really know what to expect from the 7D cinema, but I can honestly say that it’s fantastic fun and I would 100% go again in a heartbeat.

As a choice for a first date I think it’s perfect. All of the ghouls and pumpkins eliminate any need for awkward chit-chat and believe me when I say you won’t have any shortage of things to talk about after. My date said her favourite parts were the pumpkin eating the ghost and “the dodgy décor in the hallway” maybe we’re meant to be…

All in all I’d have to say 7D Cinema: 10/10, would do again.